Hey all, Moose of 1-up here to give a bit of a introduction to the BEST TEAM EVER!
Honestly, we’re usually too busy playing video games to talk much. For instance, today I could’ve been productive, or I could’ve played portal for a few hours. I bet you can guess what I did!
So for our first post, I’d like to put on my serious hat and talk to you a bit about gaming. It’s an addiction. And a Mania. And if you know anyone who has an XBox, a Wii, or god forbid, an NES (You can’t save on that shit!) — they might need a support group.
I bring to you, “A Day in the Life of a Gamer”
First, the gamer wakes up. This is normal. Usually he or she will go to the bathroom and hopefully a toothbrush will be involved at some point. For about 10 minutes, the gamer is a human being… but then the itch sets in.
True gamers will start communicating with their consoles after some time. Where a normal human would eat breakfast, a gamer won’t even make it into the kitchen without being interrupted by their wired companion…
For some reason, electronics always like to promise you cake of some sort. Experienced gamers will often check with their console first and make sure it’s chocolate cake, and not some shitty fruit cake. Also, the very experienced gamer will make sure the console is not just trying to lure them into an incinerator. It’s been known to happen…
Like any addiction, the gamer is drawn towards the prompt and they begin to rationalize… “Just for a few minutes… right?”
The gamer is so in tune with the console that they will eventually stop being in tune with everything else. This includes vital organs. The stomach is usually the first voice to protest. It will even start eating itself in an attempt to reach the gamer’s nervous system and fulfill its needs. There may be cake, but stomach knows that the console never shares…
Time will begin to pass as even Einstein could not have fathomed. A new dimension is entered and the gamer becomes trapped.
This expression will last for hours, maybe a few days, until eventually something gives. If playing a game like Dead Space, sometimes the heart is the first to give. Banjo and Kazooie? Ruptured bladder. Fable II? The spleen will make a journey to the esophagus and choke off all air flow in an attempt to stop the madness.
All paths lead to…
You would think there wouldn’t be many of us at this rate, and we are decreasing at an exponential rate. But that brings me to the survivors. Meet team 1-up. We have conquered our bodily functions and trained for hours, days, months to prepare for this battle. Yes, some have died, but those of us left, we’re going to own this thing in the face!
Oh, and one more thing. The cake. It’s not a lie.